children of alcoholics - Absolutely not Fabulous

I love his books

I try to remember this Paulo Coelho quote, 'To attain his dream, the Warrior of Light needs a strong will and an enormous capacity for acceptance.'  It's been a tough couple of weeks and there hasn't been time to catch up here. 

Today, I want to share something which is very hard for me - alcoholism.  I am the adult child of an alcoholic (that sounds like I am at Al Anon meeting!). If you've ever seen the show Absolutely Fabulous, it feels that I'm in Saffy's shoes (albeit, a very much older Saffy). 

Monday began.  Bad news.  Mum was in hospital after taking tablets and alcohol.  Again! The fourth time in eighteen months.  Numerous times in 23 years!

So we drove to our old hometown, me, my sister and three of our children (aged 1, 2 and 3) where we bumped into mum escaping from the ward to have a cigarette. Still drunk, hospital gowned, shoeless and swollen after a 3 week bender. She was confused, didn't know who we were, scared. We took her back to find out what she'd taken, done, damaged?

She'd disturbed the patients, unimpressed the staff by wasting a bed in their hospital.  We waited and waited for the CRISIS (mental health team) and Alcohol Specialist Nurse to assess, but I have two older children to collect from school. Their friends for tea. They are my priority. We leave. The guilt!

Later, it is decided that there is nothing medically wrong and no support that can be given to my mum.  You cannot Section someone who has the right to choose to drink, smoke or take drugs (not that mum takes drugs) even if they are damaging themselves.  I hopelessly accept it is her choice.  She is sent home in a hospital gown, alone in a taxi, with no key!  I find out after she is discharged and that she has no mobile phone as she left it at hospital!  Mum needs to sober up and choose to visit CAN to get support.

Mum used to work at that very hospital on the cancer ward.  When we were small, she was a great mum who would teach us Irish dancing in the living room on a Friday night and taught us to handstand up the kitchen door.  Allowed us to be creative, by building our own playgrounds from scaffold planks and carpenter's horses, made mud pies and apple pies, grew veg at the allotment, sewed clothes for our dolls, knitted stuff, crafted with homemade glue (flour and water) and made daisy chains.  She would make our 70's one-off party dresses, long and flowery.  She was brave and adventurous and would change her image often - one day long, dark, centre parted, hippy hair and the next a tight ball of afro curls. She would sing loudly and dance wildly with us. She would bake delicious, scrumptious cakes and buy us lemon sherbet sweets, on a Friday.  Fun, fun times.  She would take us to ballet classes and brownies and help at school and church.  Happy, happy memories.

Happy, loved child - Me at 3

And then...

I want for her grandchildren to know her.  I want for us to go out and share mum and daughter time again.  Hopefully, this time it will happen. 

She has not touched a drink for ONE WHOLE WEEK!  I am so very, very proud. 

I am lucky, I am one of three sisters who support each other through this.  I can cry, get angry, ignore and dismiss my mum, without judgement from my loving husband. There are groups that can help those that don't have that support, or do and need more advice NACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and COAP.

This has been so hard for me to write.  I have previewed, rewrote, reread and then hovered over that publish button.  I would love to hear your experience or thoughts on this difficult subject.

Lisa xox